Why Some Relationships Feel So Hard?
Discover why anxious and avoidant partners stay in difficult relationships. Understand their attachment styles, emotional patterns, and one simple step to improve connection.
RELATIONSHIPS
Khushboo- Psychologist
6/6/20252 min read
Have you ever felt like you're always trying to talk, connect, or check in with someone you care about—while they seem to pull away or ask for space?
Or maybe you’re the one who feels overwhelmed when someone wants too much closeness.
This is a common pattern called an anxious–avoidant relationship.
It means two people have different ways of dealing with feelings and closeness.
These ways come from something called attachment styles—how we learn to connect with others, usually from childhood.
The anxious person worries about being left out or unloved. They often send many messages, ask for reassurance, and feel upset when someone goes quiet.
The avoidant person feels scared when things get too emotional. They may shut down or need space to feel safe.
Together, they create a loop:
One person gets closer. The other pulls away.
The more one pushes, the more the other runs.
Why This Happens Often in India
In India, many of us grow up in families where emotions are not openly talked about. We’re taught to stay in relationships, adjust, and not create conflict.
Some kids learn to stay quiet and manage everything alone. These kids may grow up to be avoidant.
Others grow up unsure of when they’ll get attention or support. These kids may become anxious.
As adults, these two types often get into relationships together.
One needs closeness to feel safe.
The other needs space to feel safe.
This causes stress and misunderstanding, but both people are just trying to protect themselves in the only way they know.
And because we’re not taught how to name or understand these patterns, they often go unnoticed. People think, “Why does love feel so hard?” or blame each other instead of the pattern.
If They Are So Different, Why Do They Stay Together?
Many think anxious and avoidant partners stay together only because of family, social, or cultural pressure.
But there’s a more personal reason.
Despite their differences, anxious and avoidant partners often feel deeply connected on a level they don’t fully understand.
For the anxious partner, the avoidant person offers a challenge—a chance to get their needs met and feel love, even if it’s hard.
For the avoidant partner, the anxious person brings emotional warmth and attention that they secretly crave but fear.
This dynamic, though painful, feels familiar and strangely comforting because it reflects early patterns from childhood. They are drawn to each other by an unconscious desire to heal old wounds.
That’s why even when it feels difficult, they don’t easily walk away. The relationship holds a deep meaning and hope for connection that goes beyond what is visible on the surface.
One Simple Step That Helps
Here’s one thing that can change a lot:
Pause before reacting.
If you're anxious, pause before sending another message or asking for reassurance.
If you're avoidant, take space—but say when you’ll check back in.
This short pause builds trust and safety.
Because real connection doesn't come from chasing or running—it comes from understanding.
