Why Do I Keep Repeating the Same Patterns?
Learn why change feels hard, how comfort in problems and hidden beliefs hold you back, and how EMDR therapy can help you break free and heal safely.
THERAPY
Khushboo Agarwal- Psychologist
6/23/20252 min read
Have you ever noticed that you keep ending up in the same problems — like bad relationships, unhappy jobs, or self-sabotage — even when you really want to change? It can be frustrating and confusing.
The truth is, it’s not just about bad luck or weak willpower. There are deeper reasons why change feels so hard.
Change Feels Scary and Uncomfortable
Change means leaving what is familiar and safe, even if that safety is not good for you. Our brains like comfort. So, even if your situation is painful, it can feel easier to stay there.
For example, leaving a stressful relationship might feel scarier than staying because you fear being alone or not knowing what will happen next.
Finding Comfort in Problems
Sometimes, problems give us a kind of comfort. This is called secondary gain — hidden benefits that come from staying stuck.
For example, someone may stay in a job they don’t like because it feels safer than chasing a risky dream. Or in a relationship, staying in a fight might give a clear role, like “caretaker” or “victim,” which can feel familiar.
Feeling Stuck and Hopeless
After trying and failing many times, you might start to believe that nothing will ever change. This is called learned helplessness.
It makes you stop trying because you feel powerless, even if change is possible.
Thinking Traps That Keep You Stuck
One common trap is minimizing the problem — telling yourself “It’s not that bad” or “I’m just overreacting.” This stops you from seeing the full picture and taking action.
You might also think, “I don’t deserve better” or “This is just how I am.” These thoughts keep you stuck in old patterns.
How Therapy Can Help — EMDR and Facing Fears Safely
Changing old patterns means facing tough feelings and fears. That can feel overwhelming.
EMDR therapy is a special type of treatment that helps you process past hurts safely. A trained therapist guides you through difficult memories and feelings.
They help you stay in your “window of tolerance” — the place where you can handle emotions without feeling overwhelmed or shutting down. If feelings get too strong, the therapist helps calm and support you.
This process helps reduce the power of painful memories. Over time, EMDR can help you break old patterns and feel stronger inside.
How to Start Changing
Notice the Hidden Comfort: Think about what you might be getting from staying stuck. This can help you find better ways to meet those needs.
Question Your Thoughts: Watch for thoughts like “I can’t change” and ask if they are really true.
Take Small Steps: Start with tiny goals. Small wins build your confidence.
Be Kind to Yourself: Change is hard. It’s okay to struggle.
Get Support: A therapist can help you heal and guide you safely through change. EMDR is one tool that works well for many.
