Why Do I Feel Disconnected from People, Even When I’m With Them?
Feeling disconnected in relationships? Learn why emotional distance happens, how past experiences and nervous system reactions affect connection, and how therapy like EMDR can help you heal and build stronger relationships.
RELATIONSHIPS
Khushboo Agarwal- Psychologist
6/20/20252 min read
Have you ever been in a room full of people—friends, family, or coworkers—and still felt totally alone? Maybe you’re sitting with your partner, but inside, you feel far away, like you’re watching from a distance. If this sounds familiar, you’re not the only one. Feeling disconnected, even when surrounded by others, is more common than you might think.
What Causes This Feeling?
There are many reasons why you might feel this way. One big reason is that connection isn’t just about being physically close. True connection happens when we feel understood, seen, and safe. Without that, even a crowded room can feel lonely.
Sometimes, our minds get busy with worries, distractions, or self-judgments. When that happens, it’s hard to be fully present with others. Your body might be there, but your attention and feelings are somewhere else.
The Role of Past Experiences
Another reason is how our past shapes us. If you’ve experienced hurt, rejection, or neglect, your brain might protect you by keeping some distance. This is a kind of “emotional armor.” It helps you avoid getting hurt again, but it can also make it harder to connect deeply with people now.
For example, if you grew up feeling unseen or misunderstood, you might have learned to keep your feelings inside. So even when you’re with loved ones, you might hold back your true thoughts and emotions. This creates a gap between you and others.
How Our Nervous System Affects Connection
Your body plays a big role too. When your nervous system senses threat—even if there’s no real danger—it can make you feel shut down or on edge. This state makes it hard to relax and connect. You might feel numb, distracted, or even irritated without knowing why.
This reaction is automatic. It’s your body’s way of protecting you. But the downside is that it can create a barrier between you and the people around you.
The Common Thinking Trap: “Nobody Understands Me”
When you feel disconnected, you might start thinking things like, “No one really gets me,” or “I’m too different.” This kind of thinking can make you pull away even more. It’s a common pattern, but it’s important to remember that these thoughts don’t always reflect reality.
What Can You Do?
The good news is there are ways to feel more connected:
Check In with Yourself: Notice when you feel distant. What’s going on inside? Are you worried, tired, or distracted?
Practice Being Present: Try to focus on small details around you—like the sound of someone’s voice or the feeling of the chair beneath you.
Share a Little: Opening up about how you feel can help others understand you better. You don’t have to share everything at once—start small.
Use Your Senses: Touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound can ground you in the moment. Holding a warm cup of tea or listening to calming music can help you feel more here.
Be Patient: Building connection takes time, especially if you’ve been feeling distant for a long while.
If these feelings of disconnection are deep or persistent, consider seeking professional support. Therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can help you heal from past emotional wounds that block connection. EMDR helps your brain process difficult memories and feelings, reducing their hold on you. This can calm your nervous system’s sense of threat, making it easier to be present and connect with others.
Talking with a therapist can give you a safe space to explore your feelings and build tools for stronger relationships. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength.
