The Lasting Impact of Childhood Experiences on Emotions and Relationships
Adverse childhood experiences shape emotions, relationships, and self-worth in adulthood. Learn how early wounds affect behavior and how healing is possible.
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Khushboo- Psychologist
2 min read
Our early childhood experiences shape the way we understand and navigate emotions, relationships, and even our sense of self. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)—such as neglect, emotional unavailability, criticism, or even inconsistent parenting—can have a profound impact on how we function as adults. Pioneering research, including The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, highlights how trauma is stored in the body, affecting emotional regulation, relationship patterns, and overall well-being.
Dr. Gabor Maté, in The Myth of Normal, explains that emotional dysregulation often stems from unprocessed childhood pain and is not merely a personality trait or a sign of weakness. Instead, it is a coping mechanism—a way the brain and body adapt to early emotional wounds. When children do not receive consistent emotional support, they lack the tools to process distress healthily. As a result, they develop alternative coping strategies, which often continue into adulthood.
For instance, a child who was frequently criticized or made to feel unworthy may develop perfectionism as a way to seek approval. They learn that mistakes lead to rejection, so they push themselves relentlessly to avoid failure. While this can lead to external success, internally, it creates chronic stress, self-doubt, and anxiety.
Similarly, overworking can become a form of emotional escape. Suppose someone grew up in an environment where their emotional needs were ignored. In that case, they might find comfort in constant productivity, using work as a distraction from feelings of inadequacy or loneliness. They associate their self-worth with achievement, making it difficult to slow down or rest.
Others may turn to addiction—whether it’s substance use, food, social media, or even relationships—as a way to numb emotional pain. When emotional regulation was never modeled for them, they seek external sources of relief, even when those sources become self-destructive.
Avoidance is another common response. Someone who experienced unpredictable caregiving may develop a habit of shutting down emotionally to protect themselves. They may struggle to express emotions, fear deep connections, or disengage from conflict altogether. This can lead to emotional detachment in relationships, preventing true intimacy and connection.
Maté emphasizes that these patterns are not character flaws but survival mechanisms that were necessary in childhood but become limiting in adulthood. The good news is that healing is possible. By recognizing these patterns, practicing self-awareness, and engaging in therapeutic work, individuals can learn to regulate emotions in a way that supports well-being rather than reinforcing old wounds.
Therapeutic approaches like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) help individuals process and reframe traumatic memories, allowing the brain to integrate past experiences without overwhelming distress. Just as a healthy diet protects the heart, positive psychology and emotional work act as a cushion, supporting resilience, emotional growth, and fulfilling relationships. Healing is not about erasing the past but about learning to live freely beyond it.
